i am in bed in the dark with a sleeping son, a computer and a hubby on the iphone. exciting!!! 16 hrs ago
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Well, What I Meant Was, But Sort Of Not Really, And Seriously, Yes. Except Not Quite.

September 2nd, 2010

You ever talk to someone, and you’re trying to explain something that is extremely important or deep to you and you’re trying to convey that to them, but the more you talk, the more it’s not sounding right, and you keep talking in hopes of clearing it up, only it’s not getting clearer at all it’s actually getting more convoluted by the minute, but you keep talking because you really want them to feel where you’re coming from, but then you go over what you’ve just said in your head and it sounds incredibly stupid so you’re trying to make it sound sensible, but there are words that are already coming out of your mouth because your stupid ass mouth is 10 steps behind your brain, so these useless fucking words that are just confusing the issue are getting jumbled up with the words that could actually make some goddamn sense if they had only come out first but now not only have you managed to confuse the hell out of your own damn self while trying to simultaneously edit the shit you already said along with the shit you were about to say but the other person is listening to you with one eyebrow raised and a suspicious silence that you’re hoping means they think you’re so deep that they’re just fucking speechless but you know deep down it means that they’re sitting there thinking “what the fuck are you TALKING about?” and the only reason they haven’t written you off totally yet is because they’re trying to give you the benefit of the doubt but they’re about two seconds from suddenly “remembering” some important shit that they really need to do right now so they can get away from you and your supposedly deep thoughts and you’re listening to your own mouth having verbal diarrhea and you wish you could go back in time and start all over again because now there’s no way to clean this crap up and make it sound lucid, even if you could possibly start to sound intelligent now it’s too late because you still have the history of all the poorly verbalized shit that you vomited out first and the only ways you can think of to make it right with this person is either to hire a sniper to take them the fuck out or wait for them to get Alzheimer’s and hopefully lose the memory of how stupid you are and even with all of that going through your head unbelievably enough you are STILL FUCKING TALKING although you’ve long since admitted that even to yourself you sound like a COMPLETE FUCKING IDIOT? HUH? EVER HAD THAT?

Nope, me neither.

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Songs From My Past: Someone Saved My Life Tonight

September 2nd, 2010

I love music.

I don’t know too many people who hate it, but you know that thing that you did as a teen, lying in your bed in the dark listening to your Walkman and just zoning out or daydreaming? I still do that, just with an iPod. Music takes me away, to where I’ve been, where I wished I had been, where I’d like to go. That’s why I love to write to music – it helps me to get in the zone. Sometimes I get too far into the zone and I feel like I can’t write – but that’s exactly when I know that I must.

I’m going to throw one up here every few days.  For me, these are the songs that live in my soul and take me…somewhere.

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I’m starting with this one. I always thought this song was beautiful but it gained far more powerful meaning much more recently.  When I was deep in depression, contemplating how many pills were the right ones to take me back to the realm of the stars, I would listen to this song and cry from the depths of my soul.  Yet it always reminded me that help was coming…if I could only hold on.

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Sometimes, Shit Does NOT Happen

September 1st, 2010

My son has not pooped in 5 days.

This is worrisome.

We decided to go cold turkey with the diapers.  He’s three, and if he wears pull-ups, he just goes in them. So a few months ago we started testing him out with underwear.  He had quite a few accidents – 0f both the yellow and the brown kind.

I quickly got turned off and went back to pull-ups.

Then we tried again a few weeks ago. There was progress: he would announce when he had to go pee-pee, but he would hold out for a pull-up to poop.  His butt armed and ready with his pull-up (which, come on, people, it’s really still a fucking diaper), he’d run off into a corner and next thing I’d hear all the accompanying grunts and pushing and voila!  There would be poop.

Finally, I decided enough was enough.  Punksin was potty trained by her second birthday.  I know boys are harder and I know Pudding is a different kid, but still, comparisons aside, I felt it was time.  Clearly there was progress in just a few weeks: he could and would tell us when something was pending, and he didn’t like having accidents, so I figured he’d either “git ‘er done” immediately or have one or two accidents that would quickly get him over his last hurdle.

That was 5 days ago.

He’s been in underwear the whole time. And he’s been peeing like a champ – only one accident.

But he will not poop.

At first I wasn’t concerned; I figured he’d just sort of overflow. Score zero for me as a mother:  I’ve since read that children who hold it can end up making it harder for themselves to go.  Apparently the bowels pull water out of the poop which in turn makes it harder for them to push it out which makes them scared to poop which makes them hold it which makes the bowels pull out more water which makes it harder for them to push it out…

And eventually they become impacted, meaning they need an enema or something to clear all that shit out. Literally.

I remember this happening with my daughter. She was a baby at the time, so she had to go along with the indignity of getting a suppository shoved up her butt and although she was none too happy about it, it was pretty easy to handle the flailing chubby legs of a 9-month old.

My son is three years old.

I’m not sure if I’m going to have to go the enema route or if the Milk of Magnesia I started giving him last night will do the job, but whatever the case, I can tell you one thing.

This is not going to be pretty.

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